THE BEST DAMN STORY EVER
by UndiscoveredTalentHere
Summary: This is a stupid spoof I made. It is very funny, but NOT SERIOUS. It is a comedy, set in time when Hiccup is 16, and he and Astrid's relationship has grown...abusive. VERY DUMB AND FUNNY HUMOR! Do not read if you are under 14! MATURE! Rated...T for teen!
1. So it all begins

**Ummmm. Hello readers. This...is rated...VERY BAD FOR YOU! If you are under 14 please go away and read something else. There is intense swearing and stupid use of characters. As I write this...I seriously consider writing for South Park some day...it's...dirty. I will leave it at that. Not too bad...no "sex" but alot of swearing.**

**THERE IS ONE THING YOU MUST UNDERSTAND BEFORE YOU READ THIS: I AM NOT being SERIOUS AT ALL. I WAS BORED, AND I WAS SICK OF ALL THE GOOEY STUFF. YEAH...**

Tee HEE.

"Astrid! No! Stop! Not on my face, for the love of gods!"

Hiccup probed his girlfriend Astrid with a question.

They were seriously going out now, and they were 16.

A few months ago Hiccup had lost his leg, but gained the village the use of dragons.

All he needed to gain now was an icepack.

Astrid was beating him straight into the face with the heel of her steel toed boots.

Did I mention they were steel heeled, too?

"You son of a bitch, I'll kill you!"

"Ahhhh! Astrid! This is why we went to couple's classes, remember?"

Astrid stopped and remembered the classes recommended by their therapist.

Hiccup saw her being reasonable and attempted to calm her more.

"Remember the Mr. Hand song?"

Astrid turned her head like a dog and gave one of those whimpery-like sounds dogs make when they perform the action in which I just depicted.

Hiccup began to sing in a cracking voice, since his throat was swelled.

"When you feel like slappin' so your hands are clapping, on your buddy's face, no don't use that mace, just give him a kiss, like you do like this, and then you wont be flying fists!"

"I fucking hate that song!"

Astrid began to rapid fire punch him in the face.

Why was she so mad, you ask?

Well…

She woke up that morning to the sweet scent of mountain cherry blossoms and chirping birds, as a tranquil dragonfly tenderly shook its little wings on her windowpane.

So she decided to BREAK SHIT!

She took Hiccup's wooden leg and broke it. (while it was still on him.)

"AHHHHHHHH!" Hiccup tried to stand up and run away but just flailed his arms in the air like a horny spider, and ended up falling immediately and smashing his face to the wood floor.

She proceeded to pull some hair out of his head, then, and began to slowly chew it.

She made nom nom sounds and saliva dripped from her mouth.

"Mmmm, wimpy hair."

"AHHHHHHH!" Hiccup teared up in pain, and fear.

"Imma crazy mofo! I made my own crew, Berk's bitches! It consists of me and Ruffnut (the only girls here) and assorted guidettes from the hit MTV series Jersey Shore!"

Suddenly Snooki and JWOWW popped up from god knows where.

"You ready, dikey doo doo?"

"Hells yeah, fat hooker! Lets raise some hell!"

They fled out the door and began to set the town on fire.

Hiccup put his hand on his new bald spot and whimpered.

He looked like a monk.

Mother fucker!

"ASTRID! WHAT are you doing!"

"Nothing that concerns you, biatch."

"Okay…saying biatch doesn't make you cool, I actually rather-"

Astrid kicked his head to the floor.

"Hoo Ah!"

Hiccup whimpered.

She wins.

Suddenly, Snooki and JWOWW jumped on Hiccup's back, Snooki with her heels digging into his head.

"Hmm, no, he aint juicy enough for me, how bout you JWOWW?"

"No, uh, no. I need something with a bigger penis, and a bigger waistline, he's like a fuckin' straw!"

"The better to drink "juice" out of." Hiccup joked as he didn't really get what "juicy" meant. He puffed grass out of his teeth…along with a tooth.

JWOWW and Snooki whore walked away.

"Wow, dem is some crazy bitches."

Astrid was approaching the boy on the floor and had a new sort of guidette phase going on. She wore a really high skirt that showed her hairy ass and a low cut shirt…but she had no tits…She also wore her hair in the most massive, vulumtous poof any guidette had ever seen (she had a lot of hair) and it reached a good 4 feet off her head. Her makeup was so thick you could swim in it, and bring your friends.

Hiccup squealed in fear. He didn't know what IT was!

"AHHH! A monster!"

Some hookers surrounded her for protection.

"AHHH! THREE, three monstas!"

She motioned for them to disperse.

"Tell me about it, stud."

"No, no Astrid, no, um, your not in Grease, and I'm not John Travolta…"

"That's besides the point!"

Hiccup pulled himself up.

"Astrid, I cant say I liked you before, but I really don't like you now."

Astrid punched him in the face and he ran away crying.

"Waaaaaa!"

Astrid didn't like him anymore, and it was obvious.

He ran to the top of a hill and sat down in tears.

"I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…"

Hiccup singed, and then suddenly he saw a poof of air and a fairy popped up.

"I'm the fairy of hooker's past!"

The large black hooker popped up, wearing heels and a dress ten sizes too small.

"Oh, Shiznit. You aint B.O.B!"

"Who?"

"Nobody."

Hiccup gave a puzzled look.

"Anyway! I came here to help you figure some crap out, like how your town has been overthrown by overzealous exploiters of the Italian stereotype!"

"But, how, Fairy of Hooker's past, will we ever do that?"

"We gotta hit her where it hurts…"

"The balls?"

"What? No! The girl has balls…"

"Probably…"

"Um…ok."

Hiccup stared blankly at the large ho.

"We goin' have to eat her."

"Um, no, large black hooker, we aren't all morbidly obese."

"Okay."

Hooker crossed her arms.

"WELL, Mr. Know it all, I suppose you have a good plan, then?"

"Yes, I do."

"What is it, then, tweaky freaky?"

"I propose we eat her!"

The hooker looked up at him and sighed.

"Imma just beat her ass in."

Beating worked too.

Hiccup hid behind a rock as the huge black prostitute who suddenly seemed to remind him of the one from "Borat" inched (well, more like waddled) over to Astrid and poked her.

"Mmm, you look like you taste like fried possum!"

"What the fuck?"

Astrid was worried about the black ho's existence and picked up her ax.

The ho jumped back and began to indulge in Kung Fu.

Astrid ducked at the first kick and settled it quickly by just chopping her head clean off her shoulders.

She did want to eat her.

That was weird.

She wiped the blood off on her shirt and calmly walked away.

"Hiccup! I want sex now, you man-whore!"

Hiccup cringed and slid out of view behind a rock wall. He crept slowly but Astrid caught eye of his hair sticking up.

"Hiccup!"

She darted over to him and he whimpered.

"Waaaaaa!"

Suddenly, the cry of Hiccup's Snooki-Like whimper called over the little chub nugget.

"The party has arrived!"

"AHHHH!"

Hiccup was especially scared of this hooker, she looked orange as fire, and her face was rather threatening.

"No!" Astrid yelled at her minion, "Every time someone 'Waaas' doesn't mean you come!"

Snooki whimpered and walked away.

"But I wanted a pickle treat…"

"Crate up, Snooki!"

Snooki slowly dragged to her little crate and fell asleep, legs flailing in the air.

"AW. She's dreaming!"

Astrid caught herself.

"Hiccup! I want you to come to my house today."

"Aw, but Astrid, I don't like your pet mongoose, he always bites and…"

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay."

She dragged him by the penis to her house and they sat down for dinner with her parents.

"Hiccup, you know my father."

"Yeah."

He looked up to the man who looked identical to Astrid cause she really did look like a man!

"Hello, Hiccup. I hear your interested in my guidette daughter."

Hiccup's eyes widened.

"Um, no, I never said…"

He stopped as all of them stared.

"Sure."

"Well, then I approve of your marriage."

"Marriage? What?"

He gulped.

"Yessum!" Astrid's mother was unusually country, and she called herself Taylor Swift Scout Finch Abernathy Sandy Cheeks Corn the fifteenth.


	2. A Spoonful of Alcohol helps

Chapter Two: A Spoonful of Alcohol helps the confusion go down.

The table was silent as Hiccup processed the thought of being married to Astrid.

He then remembered her mother was talking to him and responded.

"Hello, Mrs. Hofferson."

Hiccup waved to the lady who had long red pigtails and wore feces smeared overalls.

"Oh, please Hiccup, call me 'Taylor Swift Scout Finch Abernathy Sandy Cheeks Corn the Fifteenth!"

Hiccup looked puzzled and there was a long, awkward pause.

"Okay. I'll just call you Mrs. Hofferson."

"That works too!"

Hiccup began to squirm as the subject of marriage made him ask the question again to Astrid's father.

"Sir, I, um. I know this sounds strange but I never really had it in mind."

Her father pounded his fist on the table.

"Are you saying my daughter wont make a fine wife for you?"

"No! NO! That's not what I meant…"

"Okay then, weddings on! Tomorrow!"

Hiccup near whimpered as Astrid grabbed his arm.

"And you BETTER put out this time!"

"Oh, Odin."

Hiccup resented it but ran outside and went to the chief, his father.

He needed some advice, and fast.

He made an effort to stay out of the way of Berk's Bitches. They had gang wars at night with the Drag Queen Dragons.

He shuddered. And he knew how bad gang wars could get!

He ran up the stairs…fell…ran again…fell…crawled…fell…went back 200 steps…cried…ran…fell down 250 steps and…reached the top!

Stoick was waiting with open arms to the boy.

"Congratulations!"

"No! DAD! I don't want to marry Astrid, she punches me, drugs my food, treats me like a sex slave! It's all because of the guidettes all around town these days! As chief, you must make them go!"

"Son. I cant do that!"

"Why, is it because you feel a soft spot for those under the spotlight who may come from troubled backgrounds and responsibility?"

"HELL NO! Those Jersey Shore people bring in a lot of trade! Pickle stocks are up 50% this month!"

Hiccup sighed.

"So I mean less than pickles to you?""Erm…um…yes."

"Dad, I cant get married!"

"It has been arranged! Plus they are paying me to take her! Paying me thirty seven hundred carrots!"

Hiccup wondered what his father's weird obsessions with vegetables are about.

He wandered aimlessly down the stairs and went to his room.

They were going to get married, they were expected to have kids! No! This was too much.

He sat atop his bed.

"I could really use a wish right now…wish right now…wish right now…"

He paused.

Oh, yeah. The hooker fairy was dead!

Crap!He needed to call someone, run away, do something…

He peered out the window and jumped back, to utter surprise and heart convulsions as Snooki was staring at him right through the hole.

"AHHH!"

He fell to the floor.

"Hey! Stick man!"

She climbed through the window covered in butter, as she was very fat and could only fit through tight spaces when lathered in butter…plus she liked butter.

"I hear your getting married to my home girl Astrid tomorrow!"

"Um…actually I was hoping you could help me get outta it!"

"Uh uh, oh no! Once you get married, she wont be there to treat me like a dog anymore! Do you know how bad it is to want pickles, I mean, truly need them, and then have her eat them in front of you! DO YOU KNOW!"

Hiccup smiled in a scared manner.

"N-no."

"OF COURSE NOT!"

She flew out the window hang gliding on her poof.

"See ya later, straw man!"

"WHY do you keep calling me small things?"

As she trailed off into the moon, Snooki responded.

"Because you have a small disco stick!"

Hiccup laughed.

He didn't like disco.

He fell asleep and realized his efforts were no use. Marriage, was…inevitable. He sat and dreamed about what it would be like if Astrid wasn't influenced by Jersey Shore anymore, if she was just, regular Astrid.

He cringed.

Because that would suck, too.

The next day was warm and welcoming but not to Hiccup. He was putting on his special new wedding outfit…a large fur coat that was white with many pockets all filled with beads…yeah…I don't get it either.

He waited at the alter for his…erm…lovely bride in fear.

All her bridesmaids were guidettes.

She went up to the alter and grabbed his by the balls.

"Why?"

Suddenly the priest dude began to speak.

He said a bunch of rhymes, did a little dance and then pronounced them husband and wife.

He kissed Astrid, well more like she kissed him…violently.

Before he could get to the mead hall for the reception she dragged him to their "Honeymoon."

More like hell.

She pulled him to the bed and began to remove his clothes. Pressing her lightly hairy chin to his smooth baby face.

"Call me a lumberjack." She whispered.

"What?"

"You heard me…lumberjacks make me horny."

"What the hell?"

Hiccup was scared.

"Um…you're a lumberjack."

She let out an evil laugh and pulled down his pants.

This was uncomfortable.

She forced him to get a boner and had…sex? Sex, more like…rape.

Either way, it was uncomfortable.

At the end, she spoke out to him.

"Hiccup, I, I. I don't want to be a guidette anymore."

Hiccup smiled.

Old Astrid was back…and that meant…punches…but no more poof!

The next day was good.

The guidettes were evacuated.

Due to some…horrible…horrible events including Chips that I don't even want to get into.

Long story short, Stoick had a problem with vegetables and…potatoes cant be messed with.

So, all was well…but not for long.


	3. Holding onto his testicles

**I APOLIGIZE FOR THE SHORTNESS OF THIS ONE. I have to get to the good part…which will be chapter four.**

**ALSO: Please review I love those things. 3**

Chapter 3: Holding Onto His Testicles

Hiccup woke that morning to the sweet scent of mountain dew.

Ah, yes, mountain dew.

No, I don't mean actual dew…

I mean the soda.

Because Astrid wanted it…all the time now, and Hiccup literally purchased near two hundred cases of it to make her shut up.

Her guidette phase had halted, but her soda phase had began.

He stood up and stretched, but immediately fell for the floor had about two feet of bottles piled up that he nearly drowned in.

"Ahhh!"

The scream woke Astrid up.

"Why are you messing around with my soda?"

She was normal again, Thank Odin, but lately she had been acting strange.

He hoped it wasn't her stupid phases again.

But what it turned out to be was even worse.

She lifted the covers off and got up to tell him good morning.

He still was nervous around her so he made the excuse that he had to go help his father with his…vegetables.

He ran to the corn field to help his father with the zucchini but was stopped by Astrid's hand pulling his shirt back.

"Hiccup, I feel like you aren't comfortable around me anymore.

Ha. Anymore? He never was.

"Uh, well, Astrid, you sort of keep changing, and well, you always hit me and…"

"Yeah, I guess that lumberjack thing was sort of a force."

"Yeah."

As if the raping wasn't a force, too.

He sidled over to the bench and sat down.

"I don't like the abuse."

She gave an angry look.

"Well, that sort of makes me want to hit you."

She punched him and kept a straight face.

"Hiccup."

"What?"

"MAYBE, the other night want such a good idea."

"Yeah, is it because I'm afraid to get boners now and have bruises on my stomach lining?"

"No, because you got me preggers."

"SHIT!"

"Well, I blame you."

"BUT YOU RAPED ME!"

'Well maybe you should have been on the pill, Hiccup."

"Astrid! That doesn't even make any sense!"

"You don't make any sense!""This conversation is going nowhere!"

Astrid paused.

"What should we do?"

She punched him again.

"What was that for?""IM SICK OF THAT LINE!"

She stormed inside and Stoick came over.

"Hey. I overheard. I guess you'll be having to deal with hormones and abuse and…Want a tomato?"

"NO!"

Stoick walked away with his vegetable orgasm going on and left.

He trailed off, but Hiccup could hear him whispering to that piece of Celery.

"Oooh, someone has been a bad, bad, high sodium product!"

Hiccup winced.

What the fudge nipples had happened to Berk.

Toothless trotted in.

"TOOTHLESS! Where have you been! We are already in chapter three!"

He made strange sounds and then showed a pamphlet from Vegas.

"VEGAS? You went there?"

Hiccup sighed.

The dragon got better action than he did.

Toothless had failed to mention that he bet all his life savings, but…he would get to that later.

"Well, I better go inside."

Toothless took off but was ushered down by Stoick.

"I need you to help me teach miss Broccoli here a lesson!"

Toothless whimpered.

Meanwhile, in the house, Astrid was converting Hiccup's inventions into baby things.

"Astrid, I need those! Toothless cant fly without them!""I know! He shouldn't be able to, he keeps going to popular American tourist sights because apparently he is a celebrity there!"

Hiccup sighed.

She was right.

Toothless had mad street cred.

He was the most gangsta dragon in the world.

She pulled him to the bed and whispered something to him.

He best go get more Mountain Dew.

The next day, Hiccup walked around town and was greeted with congratulations by everyone.

"Hey Hiccup!"

Tuffnut gruffly said to him as he was carrying a basket of Asparagus.

"Taking those…to your dad?"

"Um yes."

"Okay…Congratulations by the way."

"Hey Tuffnut, can I twist your nipple for a second?"

"Um…as long as that is a figure of speech for ask me a question."

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Sure…"

"How can I kill Astrid?"

"WHAT? Dude she is the most voluptuous chick in the village! Any of us would die for her! The only other option is Ruffnut…and well…most of the guys think she is…colorful."

Hiccup would have used a word like butch, or maybe, dikey.

Tuffnut stared.

"You cant kill her."

"AWWW! But I want to!"

"No, bad Hiccup! No killing your wife!"

Hiccup whimpered and tipped his head down.

"She is going to have…issues now…that I don't want to deal with."

"Aww, cant be too bad."

"Tuffnut…she raped me."

"Oh…"

Tuffnut laughed a little.

"I'm…gonna go."

He giggled and walked away.

This was going to be a long day.

But at least the Jersey Shore cast had left.

Shit…the Teen Mom cast was here.

WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE MTV SHOWS HERE!

Hiccup screamed the phrase aloud about three times.

Stoick walked by.

"Do you know how much Applesauce stocks will be up now?"

"I thought you liked vegetables!"

"I'm into fruit now!"

Hiccup wondered how many ways that phrase could be interpreted as his father walked away with a bucket of oranges.

He threw his Asparagus to the floor.

His father had a food fetish and Berk was going down the shitter.

Plus, he had to be on Teen Mom.

How could this get any worse.

AND THE ORANGES!

**THE NEXT CHAPTER IS GONNA BE BOMB!**

**A lot of hormonal anger and Hiccup abuse! WHOO!**

**REVIEW PLEASE.**


	4. Damn, Damn, DAMN!

**CHAPTER 4: Damn, Damn, DAMN!**

**WATTUP TO MY READERS!**

**Thank you for the, three or so of you who review! I love it! And for the rest of you…REVIEW! How am I supposed to know how many people read THIS IS YOU DON'T REVIEW! **

**Here we go…the best chapter I hope…**

**Quick Fact for reading…all the characters used, like Farrah's mom and Bentley, are people on the Teen Mom show.**

Astrid was pounding on Hiccup's head as he tried to stay asleep.

She wasn't quite a fat ass yet, but she wasn't as skinny as before.

You wouldn't have even know she was preggers unless she told you.

AND she told EVERYONE.

Every time Hiccup wanted to just get up and take a piss, or go and get a drink, Astrid would use the excuse that it was Hiccup's fault she was in that position, and Hiccup would say 'You raped me!' and…it was just a mess.

Anyways, she continued to pound on his noggin and he began to cringe.

"Astrid, I'm trying to sleep."

"I don't care! I want Mountain Dew…no wait…new craving…soda."

"Astrid…Mountain Dew IS soda!"

"Nuh Uh! That's an urban legend! It's like, toxic waste!"

"Mountain Dew isn't toxic…oh wait yeah it is."

He crawled out of bed. And I mean crawled…she made him tired.

"Fine, you want…Coke?"

"No! I want Coca Cola!"

"Dammit Astrid that is the same thing!"

"Nuh Uh! Coke is the fake kind!"

He ignored her stupid comment and opened the door.

Crap. All the Teen Mom crew was there too to film the whole damn thing.

The director yelled cut to Hiccup who waved his hands in the air and yelled.

"Hibbup…"

"It's Hiccup…"

"Right, Hee Bop, I need you to act a little bit…angrier when Astrid asked for soda…like, throw a lamp…or…smack her in the face ."

Hiccup looked confused.

As much as he would have LIKED to do it, he was confused.

"Um…no."

He walked away and they kept filming.

Suddenly, and over voice narrator guy started talking…and nobody knew where the voice came from.

"What the frig?"

Hiccup asked the Director.

"Oh, that is just Morgan Freedman. He does the narration this season."

Hiccup cracked out a cry.

Now he had a large black guy narrating everything he did for the next nine months.

This…sucked.

Hiccup kept walking angrily.

Suddenly the voice boomed.

"Hiccup is walking angrily."

"Shut up Morgan Freedman!"

"Hiccup just yelled at Morgan Freedman. Is this a sign that things aren't right between him and Astrid? Will I, Morgan Freedman, get that contract signed before I go bankrupt?"

"SHUT UP MORGAN FREEDMAN!"

"Hiccup has yelled at Morgan Freedman in an angrier tone."

Hiccup put his hands over his ears and ran to the mead hall.

Where his father was sitting with a line of fruit.

"No, no kiwi! Banana didn't mean that!"

He stopped when he noticed Hiccup was staring at him in fear.

"Um…hello son."

"Hi."

"What is," He said as he shoved the fruit off the table, "What is wrong?"

Hiccup stared blankly at his fruit…doll game or whatever.

"Um…I was just coming to tell you that the Teen Mom crew is sort of annoying."

"Really? How so?"

"Well, besides the fact that this kid Bentley is gnawing at my leg and I am being yelled at by some fat chick named Amber…"

He pulled the baby off his leg.

"I don't like it, Dad!"

"Hiccup, is this because your scared to be in the delivery room?"

"WHAT? Dad, no! It's because I don't like being chewed on by one year olds and narrated by Morgan Freedman!"

"Hiccup, now racism is never the answer…"

"DAD!"

"Hiccup, you know how much the fruit means to this town…"

"Actually, Dad, I don't."

Hiccup stormed out of the mead hall in anger.

Morgan Freedman caught on.

"Hiccup looks angry. Oop, now he is looking angrily at Morgan Freedman…flipping him of…throwing a carrot…OW!"

Morgan shut the hell up for a while.

Ahhh, carrots. They came in handy sometimes. And by sometimes I mean when an elderly black man is looking down on you from god knows where and narrating your life…

Yeah.

So then Hiccup ran back home to his wife, as he grabbed a soda from the staff table at the Teen Mom camp.

But he was stopped quickly by the biggest, scariest white lady he had ever seen.

Apparently it was someone called Farrah's mom, and she was mean!

She slapped him across the face.

"That was my soda! What are you trying to do, kill me?"

"By depriving you of soda…"

"THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT!"

She snatched the cold beverage from his hand and began to drink it.

He walked away.

Wow, she was a bitch.

He needed to get a new soda.

Before Astrid became…feisty.

He grabbed a new one and ran to the house.

She was looking anxious as the camera was on her for some reason and Hiccup walked in.

"Here, some soda."

She took it.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"What?"

Hiccup looked confused, but the Teen Mom cast was looking at her and giving a thumbs up. It really was staged.

And they LOVED drama.

"What, Hiccup, you don't want this life anymore?"

"I, just, I thought you wanted the Coke and…"

"AGAIN with the Coke! Why, Hiccup, why do you hate me so much?"

She began to punch him in the face and he cried…a lot.

Eventually after a lot of beating the cameras turned off and she ceased.

"Wow, good job Astrid, that is enough for today!"

The camera people waved goodbye and she stood up happily and brushed herself off.

"Hey Hiccup, how was your day?"

Hiccup began to stutter.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

"What? Oh, the acting? Well, you gotta put on a good show, ya know. The MTV people said I was bringing in good ratings!"

"I know, but do you have to be so rough?"

"Well, besides that the Applesauce stocks are very high this…"

He cut her off.

"YEAH I KNOW ABOUT THE APPLES!"

But, he forgot she was hormonal now and she began to cry.

He felt horrible.

"Oh, oh Astrid, I didn't mean any of that stuff…I…"

"DON'T talk to me, Hiccup!"

"Astrid, I'm so sorry. It's just that you've been like this and I'm stressed out and-"

She began to grab a kitchen knife.

"AHH Astrid, what the hell? It wasn't even that bad!'

"No Hiccup, you're right."

She put the knife down and he was confused as her mood changed completely.

"I'm just so happy!"

WHAT THE FUCK NUGGETS?

He looked…awestricken.

She was kissing him and hugging him and then he told her thanks.

"What did you just day to me?"

She picked up the knife again.

Uh oh. This wasn't going to be a fun time anymore.

**OKAY! I THOUGHT that this would be the best chapter, but I was wrong. Keep reading, readers because I have a great chapter in store…involving a fat weird Astrid and a lot more Morgan Freedman, and YOUR NEVER going to guess how this turns out!**

**Will Stoick ever get over his fruit fetish?**

**(dramatic music)**

**Will the black dude's reign of terror end soon?**

**(more dramatic music)**

**Will I ever stop writing extremely funny parodies?**

**You will find out soon, dear readers…**

**AND PLEASE take a moment out of your day and review this!**


	5. Out of His Wits

**GET READY FOR THE MOST RANDOMNESS YOU HAVE EVER **

**WITNESSED.**

**PLEASE REVIEW MY…masterpiece?**

**Ch 5: Out of his wits**

Astrid was a fat bitch now.

She almost looked as bad as Snooki.

She wanted to eat EVERYTHING…including Hiccup.

Every morning was a dodge and a flip from death as Hiccup darted out of the way of forks.

And Morgan still failed to shut up.

"Hiccup is darting the flying utensils."

"SHUT UP MORGAN FREEDMAN!"

Hiccup hopped out the window and landed on the fat ass of Oprah.

"Oprah?"

"Yes, It is I, Oprah Winfrey. Here to help you gain control of your life and your wife, Hiccup."

Hiccup scoffed.

"Maybe you should gain control of your appetite, you bloated Wooki."

"OPRAH SMASH!"

Suddenly, Hiccup was dodging the fists of the fat beast, who still failed to see the stupidity of wasting years of television time talking to people and whining about their problems.

With a dash, Hiccup was pushed into the corner of a shed, where Oprah closed the door and inched towards him.

"Hiccup, NOBODY tells Oprah what to eat, NOBODY!"

Hiccup cringed and grinded his teeth as his freckles glowed in the shine of her red glowing eyes.

"I don't care if I die, do your worst, you plump nugget of chocolate rain!"

Hiccup prepared for the worst.

But he heard a new booming voice that wasn't Morgan Freedman.

"DID SOMEBODY SAY CHOCOLATE RAIN?"

"Huh?"

Oprah tiled her head and batted her eyelashes.

"Who goes there?"

"It IS I!" Tay Zonday, and I am here to help Hiccup!"

Suddenly, Tay Zonday, the Chocolate Rain man from Youtube darted in and lifted Hiccup up, running away on a zebra and eating exotic candies.

"What the fuck? Why would you save me, Tay?"

"Well, we homies gotta stick up for each other. Plus, your dragon has mad street cred."

"Yeah. I know."

He let Hiccup off, then scurried off up a rainbow.

"CHOCOLATE RAINNNNN!"

Hiccup quivered.

"But…But I wanted to die."

Then, he heard Oprah again.

"I can fix that."

Hiccup turned as she inched towards him again.

"Your done Hiccup."

Astrid then came out and chopped off Oprah's head with an ax.

"Wow. Thanks."

Hiccup said sarcastically as he lowered his head.

"No problem."

"Astrid…I'm…going for a walk."

Hiccup wandered off into the woods in his now battered apparel and quivered at the cold.

He looked up to a tree where a mysterious being was rustling around.

"What IS that?"

He squinted his eyes to distinguish what it was.

He followed it, as it jumped and bounded tree to tree, leading him deeper into the woods than he had ever gone before.

It disappeared into a bush and he dared to peek inside.

As he pushed his hands through the leaves he came out to a bright light and he peered in.

It was the strangest thing he had ever seen.

Millions of fruits and vegetables, on conveyer belts and pulleys, all leading down to a huge basket.

"Oh my gods, this explains the fruit! I have to tell my father."

Hiccup turned to run but was stopped…

By the vast body of Stoick…the Vast.

"Not so fast, boy."

"Dad?"

"Yes, son. I am here. I am in on this. You aren't going anywhere."

"What? Dad? Why and what is this?"

Stoick looked dramatically at the sky.

Well, it wasn't a sky, it was a metal dome housing the facility.

He stroked his beard.

"This…is Berk."

"YEAH dad, I know! What is all this?"

"Oh, yeah."

"This! This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to our clan."

Hiccup stared and tried to understand.

"You see son, when Dreamworks Animation launched Shark Tale…things…things went…"

"Shitty?"

"YES! Shitty… and now…after many, many fails…"

Stoick shuddered.

"Lest we remember Bee Movie…or…Antz…the company has been…living in the shadows of Disney."

Hiccup's eyes began to widen as he began to understand.

"BUT! When Dreamworks launched…How To Train Your Dragon…things turned for the better…and we got billions in reparation. We don't have any more ideas, though and that's what leads us…to this!"

Stoick pulled his hands to the air and smiled.

"Dad…what the fuck is 'How To Train Your Dragon?'"

Stoick paused.

"Oh, uh, nothing."

Hiccup bit his lip.

"But anyway! We have the opportunity…to do what we should have done a long time ago. And that's all thanks to you, Hiccup, and your awkward tale of teen angst and discovery."

"Dad…are you on crystal meth again?"

"Um…well sort of…but that is not why this is here!"

Hiccup crossed his arms and looked at the fruit traveling above them.

"Do you know, Hiccup, what the first Disney movie ever made was?"

Hiccup shrugged.

What the fudge nipples was Disney?

"It was Snow White, and the Seven Dwarfs. The witch used apples to steal what she needed. This was all but a sign in Disney's plot."

Hiccup's eyes were incredibly wide and his mouth hung open as his father had gone mad with power.

Once we harness all the power from all the MTV shows, and use the fruits they give us in stock, we will be able to launch the biggest thing since…something awesome!

"And you know why?"

Hiccup shrugged.

"Because we will capture everyone's dreams!"

Hiccup panicked and looked aroud for somebody sane as he backed up from his psyco dad.

"DAD WHAT THE HELL?"

Hiccup ran away but Stoick cornered him so he had to listen.

He had no clue what to do.

We put his hands behind his back and listened for more.

"Yes, because that's how Disney got all their ideas, with the imageneers, but we weren't privileged enough for that…no…we had to THINK about our movies."

Hiccup let out a whimper.

But his Dad continued with a cackle.

"But there is a reason we are called Dreamworks…With these foods, we shall ship across the globe using Toothless, who can go to Hollywood like he does already and sell them."

"And?"

"And then…when the people buy the fruit, they will eat it and their dreams will be ours!"

"What?"

"And then , never again will we have to fear losing an Oscar to…Toy Story Three!"

Stoick was shaking with anger and he rested a hand against the wall as he caught his breath.

"So, you see son? Berk needs this. And this is why you must put up with the MTV people, and all the crazy stuff they do."

Hiccup then wondered why the Youtube people and Oprah where there…

But he soon forgot as his father leaned towards him.

"Now go be a good little boy and run home."

Hiccup screamed and darted out. He was in hysteria. Blatant and utter hysteria. What could he do? This was a nightmare. No wonder the town had been out of reality. They were messing with MTV…they were messing with his life. And his dad was so selfish!

No. He couldn't take it anymore.

He had to tell somebody…he had to tell Astrid.

He banged on the door but she wasn't in the house.

"ASTRID! HELP ME! HELP!"

He freaked out when she grabbed his shoulder.

"AHHHHHH!"

"Hiccup! Calm…calm down. It's me…whats going on?"

"Astrid, the town! The town is being taken over by all the MTV stars to conspire on some plot to take people's dreams and…apparently movies…and…"

"Astrid seemed confused."

SHUT UP MORGAN FREEDMAN!

"Hiccup…what do you mean movies?"

"I don't know! All I know IS THAT my dad IS ON SOME SORT OF DRUGS AND WE NEED TO ESCAPE!"

Astrid sat on a rock and attempted to calm crazy Hiccup down.

"No, Hiccup. He isn't on drugs."

"Then why is he saying that life is a movie and he wants to get the fruit to take people's ideas."

"Because he is right. And that's why we need to stop him."

**HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?**

**Literally.**

**REVIEW MY CRAZY CALVARY OF CRAZYNESS!**


	6. Oh No he didnt, OH YES HE DID!

TH**E FINAL CHAPTER!**

**OKAY…for those of you who have yet to comprehend Stoicks….master plan…then be amazed! As I will explain it to you now!**

**(skip this if u understand it already)**

**1. Stoick gets Pickles when Snooki comes because Snooki likes pickles, he gets Apples when Teen Mom comes because babies eat apple sauce and their stocks go up high!**

**2. With all the money brought into Berk, they get the power to take Dreamworks to da top! Plus they have all the fruit and can turn them into something. By using their fruit like brainwashing devices because they need peoples dreams…hence DreamWorks…**

**3. With all the new dreams, they can make more movies that don't suck like Flushed Away (ew) or…the ever-retarted Shark Tale *shudders*, and not live in the shadow of Disney!**

**4. Stoick is going to enslave Toothless and send him to Hollywood to distribute the items…(because he is a super celeb over in America) J**

**5. READ AND REVIEW! (was this helpful?)**

**CHAPTER 6: Oh no he didn't!**

"Astrid, he is going to send Toothless off to some Hollywood place and tell him to give them the tainted fruit…we need to stop 'em!"

"Okay…then we can leave this…nightmare…But…Hiccup…"

"What is it, Astrid?"

"Theres one thing I have to say before we do this thang."

"What?"

"I'm…sorry for being influenced by MTV. I mean, the guidettes, the raping, the killing…I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I guess we all have learned today not to be influenced by the media, TV and movies."

(stares at camera ironically because the author is obsessed with the media, httyd, and movies)

"Yeah."

"Lets rock dis shit!"

"No, no…Astrid…NO guidette stuff…"

"Oh, yeah, sorry."

They both darted off into the wilderness, and Astrid waddled, because she was…huge now…

"Hey Astrid, you shouldn't be running all preggers like that…stay here-"

He was quickly cut off, though, as Astrid ripped her shirt off and revealed that she was wearing one of those fake preggers thangs.

"ASTRID! YOU LIED?"

"Well, MTV told me to, so we could get on the show…"

Hiccup was so happy and relieved.

"Plus, did you really think that your little disco stick could actually do anything."

Ha.

He still didn't like disco.

He grabbed her by the wrist, as she put a new shirt on (she pulled it out of her ass) and ran with him to find Toothless.

"TOOTHLESS?**"**

But it was too late.

Stoick was riding him off into the sunset and off to Hollywood.

But they weren't going to give up THAT easily.

Hiccup whistled and Justin Bieber came.

"HEY! Bieber? Can you help us?"

Bieber pondered for a moment before transforming into a giant Beebs bot.

It was a huge metallic Bieber Machine that flew after Toothless in the air.

They were in the control room in his head, and pushed the button to engage in hyper speed.

BIEBBBERRR POWERRRRR!

Beebs took off like lightening and knocked Stoick on his ass.

Toothless flew off and landed far away, and came back with 4,000 dragons in a dragon army against him. (is that enough dragons for you 'just me'?)

The dragons surrounded him and leaned in for the kill.

"NO! NO FAIR!"

Stoick looked to Hiccup and Astrid who were confused.

"NUH UH! It is so FAIR!"

Hiccup yelled back as Astrid crossed her arms.

"UH UH! YOU CANT GET BIEBER AND DRAGONS!"

Stoick stomped his foot and whined out loud.

Hiccup rolled his eyes and began to press the rocket launcher in Bieber's control pad to finish off his ungrateful father.

But Stoick used the guilt plead.

"REALLY, Hiccup? You would give up everything that would be great for Berk, kill your dad, and ruin everything Dreamworks has worked for?"

Hiccup slowly released the crank that would have launched a rocket.

He slowly whispered to Astrid who looked brutally confused.

"Astrid…what the hell is Dreamworks?"

"I…I don't know…just shoot him!"

She grabbed hold of the crank and pulled it.

Hiccup yelped.

"NOOOO!"

But it was too late.

The chief, and Hiccup's father, was pummeled into the ground as a little splat by the 2,000 volt laser rocket launched out a 30 story tall Justin Bieber robot's ass.

Hiccup seemed in shock.

Astrid shook him.

"Hiccup! Its okay. You saved us from hurting people, and Toothless."

He stared straight into the hole in shock still.

She shook him again.

"Hiccup?"

He had just remembered how bad Bee Movie was.

Like, seriously, who the hell wants to see a bumblebee embodiment of a stand up comedian who lost his fame twenty years ago…

BUT ANYWAY!

She shook him harder.

"Hiccup!"

"I've just killed my father."

"Well. Technically Justin Bieber did… but that is besides the point too…"

Hiccup still looked straight ahead.

She tried to calm him.

"Hey. At least Morgan Freedman is gone!"

Of course…

Morgan said:

"Hiccup stared blankly at the hole in the ground, splattered with his father's DNA."

Astrid yelled.

"Shut up, Morg-ah forget it."

She rubbed Hiccup's shoulder.

But he still wouldn't respond.

She shook him one last time the hardest she ever could.

"Hiccup!"

"Hiccup!"

"Hiccu-"

"Hicc-"

"Hic-"

Her voice trailed away and so did her image as Hiccup had everything go black.

There was a buzzing in his ear as his eyes remained closed and he began to feel the shake again.

"Hiccup! Hiccup!"

He awoke to the image of Astrid's face as he was in his own bed, at his old house.

HIS house.

Not their marriage house.

HIS home.

"Hiccup!"

He looked at the details on her face as he regained consciousness.

She was smiling.

WHY was she smiling?

"Last night was amazing…HE was amazing…"

"Who?"

Hiccup wondered what the hell she meant.

"That…that dragon! That Night Fury!"

Hiccup was confused.

"What?"

Astrid shot him a look.

"I…I just thought I would wake you up this morning…since, ya know…you have to make big decisions soon about how to pass that final exam today. I didn't want you to sleep in."

She stopped and he was SO FREAKING CONFUSED.

"B-b-ut…You, were going to kill me, and my father finally accepted the dragons, and…the MTV…DISNEY! We had Snooki, and it was all normal but…NO IT WASN'T NORMAL! And…all the vegetables…you! We! We were married!"

Astird blushed and felt uncomfortable as she fidgeted.

"Haha…Hiccup…um…maybe your too nervous for that test today…we just found the nest…I guess that could stress you out."

He cocked his head.

"And…I guess your going to have to figure out how to not kill that Monstrous Nightmare…and…"

Hiccup laid back down but got up in panic.

"So…what are you going to do today?"

Astrid waited for his response.

Hiccup slowly but surely regained his memory.

What about all the chaos…what about all the mayhem…they had grown up a little bit…Berk was all in order and all the dragons worked in harmony with the Vikings…

I guess that was just a distant dream.

He flailed his arms in the air and Astrid looked scared.

As he started to regain his memory he got sadder and sadder.

The dragons…HIS dragon…where were they?

"Hiccup. I think you may have just had a bad dream."

Hiccup let his jaw hang.

"Yeah. Hopefully not ALL of it will become a reality!"

Hiccup jumped up and got his helmet on to go to the arena and do what he had to do today with the Monstrous Nightmare and his final exam.

He now knew just what to do.

The door swung open as he left Astrid more confused than ever.

She still held the blanket on his bed with a blank look frozen on her face.

She stood up and wondered what that was all about.

Morgan Freedman boomed.

"That's why they call it Dreamworks."

Astrid jumped back.

"WHAT the FUCK?"

**DEE END!**

**YAY! **

**STUPIDITY!**

**RAUNCHYNESS!**

**BRAIN POWER!**

**SNAPPY ENDING!**

**WHOO!**

**Hoped you guys liked my little…rendezvous. HAH!**

**Well, I have a serious one coming. This was just to get all my anger out at the fact that summer is almost over and…*tear* I wont be able to waste my time writing parodies all the time! So, I let out all my random shit with this one. Hope you liked it. And, yes, I do this a lot. You don't even want to know what goes on in my brain!**

**So, I also hope you guys picked up on all the symbolism and irony and foreshadowing in this thang, yep. Despite all it's randomness, this thing has a message: Dreams can come true and a fetish with any kind of food product is usually a bad thing! **

**:D**

**PS. In ur reviews, tell me what your favorite character was…**

**Tell me what u learned…tell me how much you hated it, loved it, WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT!**


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